Jokes for everyone

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Jokes for everyone

Post  UF Vishna on Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:31 pm

Topic name says it all:

A woman goes to shop and sees a little child and his grandfather. Child is crying very loudly and grandfather said quietly:
"Take it easy Peter, we are out of here soon"
When they are paying for the food, the child is screaming on the floor and throwing things.
Grandfather said quietly again:
"Calm down Peter, we are out of here very soon."
After they finally got out of the shop, a woman walked near their car and asked grandfather:
"It was amazing, how can you be so calm!? Peter must be lucky to have grandfather like you."
Grandfather replied:
"I am Peter, this little piece of sh*t is James."
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There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".
100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"
_____________________________

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
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Re: Jokes for everyone

Post  UF Garanas on Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:33 pm

There are 2 guys at a bar, one says to another:
"Hey, you know, I've slept with your mother"
The other one says:
"Not again, please, dad, go home. You're drunk"

I can't think of the ones that are as good as yours :p, but this one fits quite good aswel Wink

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Re: Jokes for everyone

Post  UF WiredUp4Fun on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:01 am

Judging by the quality of English, Vishna got them off some joke website Razz I'd do the same.
But here's one I prepared earlier:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mike
Mike who?
Mike Hunt

If you get it and you are grossed out, I'll give you a lollipop Razz
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